The rules of self-insertion are about to be broken...

Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Why am I suddenly afraid of what's going to happen in this fic?"

Chaos: [scratching his head] "I don't understand that catch phrase myself. We've broken everything else in this city--"

Demolition: "Repeatedly."

Riot: "Most thoroughly."

Carnage: -.-;; "And creamily."

Havoc: ^^v "Hotcha!"

Chaos: "--so why didn't these rule thingies get broken in the process?"

Dark Mayhem: "Chaos, you have to understand that in our series, there are 3 basic rules all of us male avatars must abide by, lest we get smited by the author."

Pesti: "So just what rules are we stuck with anyways?"

Chaos: ^-^ "I hope Puchuu bears are mentioned!"

Carnage: [eyebrow twitch!] "Would anyone object if I just Fireballed him right here?"

Dark Mayhem: [appraising their obligatory avatar contracts] "Let's See...Rule One: no godplaying. Rule Two: no self-gratuitous moments ever. And Rule Three: no lemon scenes."

           [Cue Havoc bouncing across the obligatory intro. bit, panties being left behind in his wake!]

Havoc: ^-^ "Panties! Glorious silken treasures for the Hentenno! Let there be fanservice!"

Fanboys: [slowly turning to Dark Mayhem] "......"

Dark Mayhem: "Okay, the uber-perv notwithstanding, we have to obey those three basic laws in our series."

Anarchy: ^_____^ [drinking ridiculous amounts of Sake!] "Aaaaah, the life of a self-inserted fangirl!"

Sarcasm-hime: ^^v [surrounded by a harem of bishounen!] "It's good to be us!"

Fanboys: -.-;; "......"

Riot: [shaking his head] "Most dishonourable, their blatant mastery of godplay-fu. I tell you, I should have ordered the glutinous rice chicken."

Demolition: "Kinda makes you wonder which of us gets to break one or more of those laws, doesn't it?"

Ruckus: ^^v [glomping Pesti-chan!] "I'm all for invoking the lemon scenes myself. Ne, Pesti-cutie?"

Pesti: o.O ; "KYAAAAA!!! I'm not yaoi compliant, you stupid ninja!! Leggo of me!"

Dark Mayhem: [evil smile] "Well, if that's the case, let's write a fic where I don't explode into flames when Ami-chan gets frisky on me."

Carnage: "And just why the hell should our author indulge you, Newt-boy?"

Dark Mayhem: "How many times has he let you blow up the city, Carnage?"

Carnage: [irate SD fanboy] "But it keeps coming back!!"

Pesti: "Mayhem, not to put too fine a point on it, but since when has our author ever let us get away with any sort of self- gratuitous moment in the past? What makes you think he'd start now?"

Dark Mayhem: "A fanboy can dream, can't he?"

Demolition: "Well, at least you're in good company."

Dark Mayhem: "Thank you, Mister Shins of Steel."

Havoc: ^-^ "Daijobu, Mayhem! A little romp with Arshes Nei in Planet Hentai's Jello wrestling pit will solve your problem!"

           [Cue Red Queen Ami-chan!]

Red Queen Ami: [with whip!] "Carrot...!!!!"

Dark Mayhem: ^^;;;; "I'd thank you Havoc, but I know that I'm just going to start another backdraft by the time she's done with me."

Chaos: [hmph!] "Well at least you've got someone like her, Mayhem. I've got a sixteen year-old harbinger of doom running after me."

Pesti: "Some people would kill to be in your place, Chaos."

Chaos: "Pesti-chan, *I'm* the one who's going to get killed!"

Hysteria: ^-^ [giggle giggle!] "Wai! Chaos-momma has such a kawaii little Lolita Complex-chan!"

Demolition: [thumbing down at Hysteria] "This coming from Shouta Complex girl over here?"

Chaos: [grrrr!] "I do not have a Lolita Complex, Hysteria! And stop calling me 'Chaos-momma'!!!!"

Carnage: [teary Bambi eyes!] "Hotaru-samaaaa! Why him? Why?!"

Chaos: "One of these days, the author will just have to give into reason and give me a fic where I don't get smited! This has to be a fic designated to the glory that is me...and my newest Chaosfic: Vampire Princess Miyuki-chan In Wonderland!! Wai!"

Demolition: "So, what are the chances of that happening anytime in the near future?"

Riot : [looking up] "I think the author's sending his most honourable reply as we speak."

           [All the fanboys immediately step away from Chaos.]

Chaos: o.O "I sense a frivolous laugh at my expense approaching."

           [Cue Magipan castle suddenly falling from the sky and crushing Chaos!] Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

           *SPLAT!!*

Desolation: [strolling on by the castle crash site] "Sissy."

Chaos: ;_; [sniffle!] "But...but where's the love? Where's the justice?"

Pesti: "So...the author's too busy torturing us to actually bother writing something uplifting?"

Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! I've got Arjuna's panties!"

Carnage: -.-;; "Not if you count what Havoc's been allowed to get away with."

Dark Mayhem: "And before you decide to 'uplift' Havoc, Carnage, might I remind you that our cleaning bill for this week is hitting six-digit figures courtesy of you."

Carnage: [sigh!] "Why are you guys complaining? We *all* roasted marshmallows over Tokyo's smouldering crater after I used a Satellite Strike on the Diet Building."

Chaos: "Some of us were *in* that smouldering crater the entire time too, might I add!"

Carnage: "Yes, and your point is?"

           [Chaos facevaults!]




Sean Gaffney presents

something His lordship Chaos is still sulking over




THE UNNAMABLE FIC



Part 1: Full Maetel Panic!



           The incident in question occurred one Monday evening in a Toronto coffee shop located near the Esplanade. After a most successful romp at the local Anime North convention one, perhaps even two years ago, a group of fanfiction authors gathered together to sit back and chat about the things that really mattered in Anime.
           Namely fanservice.
           I know because I was there.
           Most of you know me as His lordship Chaos, the strange and Crossplaying author of the self-insertion parody series, "Curse of the Fanboys!!!" The rest of you know just know me as that strange Crossplayer in the Delmo dress. The account I bring you now still chills me whenever I consider the fic that it has given unholy birth to. I can only pray that those of you otaku reading this now can brace yourselves for the worst, and steel your minds against the hellish insanity that will befall you should you read on beyond this first section.
           There were four of us sitting there in the coffee shop that night: the fedora-wearing master of slash and angst fics, Sean Gaffney; my good friend and notorious rival, Greenbeans; that wacky uberperv & Fanboys conspirator, Havoc; and myself. It had been an unusually warm, humid weekend. Such weather always indicates some ominous monstrosity lurking on the edge of the horizon.
           Yet we in our post-convention euphoria felt not the foreboding in the air, and so we felt not the fear. The coffee shop's patio windows were open, allowing for gusts of cool air to refresh us as we consumed our own caffeine-laced drinks of choice. It was making us light-headed, feeling we were invincible, that nothing could destroy us. Later that night, we soon discovered just how wrong we were.
           The pertinent part of our conversation began with Sean Gaffney. "It's near impossible to pull off a successful self- insertion fanfic," he sighed. "I'd have to liken the struggle to that of a guy getting himself cordially invited to an all-lesbian orgy."

His lordship Chaos: o.O; "What?"

Greenbeans: o.O;;;;; "What?!"

Havoc: "Go on."

           "No godplaying is the only way to get around being shunned for being an avatar," Greenbeans said with a shrug. "I guess that's why 'College Life' has somehow defied logic to become one of my most popular fics."
           "And the Fanboys series is always meant to be an outlandish comedy," I added. "It only succeeds because it mocks all conventions and clichés for not just Anime, but fanfiction and avatars. Nothing is taken seriously, least of all the fanboys themselves. The only reason they're popular is because they get smacked down, but don't whine about it. They just get back up, look at what stupid thing went wrong, then try some new strain of stupid idea."
           "So you think your series could never be turned into something more serious?" Gaffney challenged me.
           I shook my head. "It would lose all its charm. Besides, I could never write something dramatic and angsty for the Fanboys."
           "Why not?" Greenbeans asked.
           "Because," I answered, "Simply put, I've been writing them comically for so long, I can't even see them really being serious. Not to mention if things went serious for once, they'd all wind up falling prey to the very thing we makes fun of."
           "So no self gratuitous moments ever?" Gaffney remarked. "Save for Havoc, of course."
           Havoc nodded. "Of course."
           "No serious, self gratuitous moments," I agreed. "No godplaying, no looking cool for the sake of looking cool, and certainly no lemons."
           Upon hearing this, one of Gaffney's eyebrows went up. "No lemons, you say?"
           I nodded. "With these avatars, there's no way I'd be able to write a Fanboys lemon. It's impossible."
           And then Gaffney's mouth curled into a most diabolical smile. "Impossible for you , maybe..."
           Needless to say, Greenbeans, Havoc & I all slid our chairs away from the table. Gaffney persisted with his fiendish smile, and I realized that there was no turning back. The hellish spiral into madness was upon us, and I was too close to the epicenter to escape it now.
           So flee while you can, good and gentle readers!! Run before the depraved mind of Sean Gaffney swallows up your souls too!! This fic will tear asunder everything you know and love, even the cute little kuroneko-sama!! Escape before he subjects you to hitherto unseen realms of torturous, frightening--

Sean Gaffney: [bopping His lordship Chaos on the head with a Sana hammer!] "Geez, melodramatic much?"

His lordship Chaos: -.-;; [rubbing his head] "You just had to ruin the best part too. I was going to give a blood-curdling scream and then cut right to the fic!"

Gaffney: "Um...this is a text medium. I don't think a written 'Kyaaaa!' is going to have the same effect as the readers actually hearing you scream."

His lordship Chaos: [waving that aside] "Minor details, minor details."

Gaffney: ^-^ "So, still think I don't have the panache to pull off a serious Fanboys fic...or a lemon?"

His lordship Chaos: [hmph!] "This is like my 'Single White Fanboy' idea gone so horribly awry. You know, when this is all over I'm going to strap you to a chair and make you watch Yu-Gi-Oh!"

Gaffney: [???] "Why Yu-Gi-Oh? Why not make me watch something worse, like Tekken or DBZzzzz or--"

His lordship Chaos: -.-;; "Because it's dubbed, you twit. It'll hurt more."

Gaffney: ^^v "But not as much as this fic will!"


           [Cue...the cabbage!!]

Page 2
Back to Fanfics